Conversations With You: Lwazi Mahlangu

Caterpillars & Snakes

Who said we can't be great?

Who said we can't make love to our notebooks with our pens.

Who said we can't paint the town red,blue whatever colour ink that the pen we use that day blurts out that day?

I'm grateful for our late night chats,

From the days we did 1000 words for a special friend,

To the days we used up night shift then airtime,

To the morning check ups in the school corridors

Uncle Dandelion...

Bunny 

I'll keep it short.

You know it's real.

Ayoola Mè

Why you no listen

There's no way a devil can be friends with you and give you peace...
That's what we're dealing with here.
You've simply become the unimaginable,
A beast,
Six horns... three eyes or is it
Six eyes... three horn?

You're a walking hell,
I have no idea how to turn your fire down.

I made a vow.
The days you were my sent from heaven,
My all things good,
To be your one and only forever
But you never told me that heaven had off days and hell took over,
I don't know you.

I mean to the outside world we look good,
Like Bey and Jay kinda Kim and Kanye
But behind closed doors,
I see lucifer taking the throne.

There's no way a devil can be friends with you and give you peace.

I learnt the hard way that mama was right when she said I must pick my bae right.
She told me to say a prayer,
You know tell the Lord who I want but no...
I thought I was smart... Mr know-it-all(Female version though)
Now I'm stuck but hey the Lord forgives right?

I'll do better next time I promise.

Ayoola Mè

Conversations With You: Wade Scobbie

Live Your Life

The Muffinz playing in the background,

Conversation about how white boys are heartless and how high school must end.

It was 1 a.m. and I guess in the midst of fatigue,annoyance and drowsiness a friendship was birthed.

You're the only person whom I shared some of the big things I wanted to achieve and didn't call me crazy.

The endless chats about restaurant openings,

Manchester managings,

My talks about becoming SOMEONE,

Pushing yourself till you succeed,

LIVING LIFE to the fullest.

Thank you,

For giving me a platform to make known my abilities.

For teaching me how to relax,

For looking forward to the future as much as I did making me feel like I wasn't crazy for wanting "the next" not "the now"'.

You're a winner in my eyes.

Ayoola Mè 

Conversations With You : Katleho Tsolo

Peace of mind

Colour to a dull world,

Peace to what seems like a continuous storm,

Life to dead situations...

You Are Perfection

In every sense of the word...

You light up the room with your smile and very red lips.

You make everything a laughable matter even if it's meant to be serious,

You're a light hearted-spirit filled-funky full monk in motion.

Sea This

I swear I wouldn't have survived grade 11 Maths,

The hardships of Matric,

The confusion of artistry,

Relationship traumas,

High school drama...

Thank you Sensei 

Perfection In Human Form

Ayoola Mè

Conversations with You: Sheron

Red Lipstic... Black Dress

Our first encounter was an out of the blue one. You had read some of my work online and were now telling me how much you admired it and me as well. I was taken aback to be honest,I'm not used to getting compliments,especially from strangers but you.. you were a different kind of stranger,one that I knew was a part of this puzzle called my life,you were an additional piece.

"Shezzy babe", I suck at giving nicknames but somehow that was perfect. I realised through multiple messaging and endless conversations that your level of maturity was one to be admired and when I met you for the first time you wore red lipstick... and a black dress, that stole my heart. The way you spoke,so authentic,so poetic,everything flowed out of your mouth with such ease. I was "DAMN and I call myself a poet", your level of arty was too high to ever reach. From then on it was easy to relate to you after that.

From you I learnt the art of mission searching. Why am I here? What am I meant to do? You somehow steer me in the right direction when looking for my set path,I love you for that.You encourage me,love me,look out for me,you're the one.

This is why I look forward to conversations with you.

Ayoola Mè

You are ART

Breathe...
As much as you can.
Take in oxygen and give out carbon dioxide...
Breathe.

Do that thing where you gently touch your chest and close your eyes as if you're envisioning your inter-coastal muscles contracting and relaxing.
Art.

Yes that's what you are.
No scratch that...
That is WHO you are.
You bring life to the most inanimate object,
Beauty to the ugly ones...
I mean your smile awakens the mortal world...
You are the resurrection!
You are art.

Listen ... hear that? *silence*
That's how the room reacts when you grace it with your presence.
The "goldenness" of that applauding silence elevates your beauty from 100 to 2000 linking it to the number of years ago that Christ was born... why?
Because the occupants of that room give thanks to God for you.

He wasn't joking when He said "I know the plans that I have for you... to give you a hope and a future"
See you were His plan for me,
Your personality the hope,
And your heart together with the "yes" you will  murmur when  I ask you to marry me will be the future.

So breathe...
Because that's my assurance that "for as long as I live" is not just a statement.
Breathe because that is you effortlessly thanking God for the life WE share together.
Breathe so that I can watch you...
Because carbon dioxide never looked so good exiting and oxygen never looked so great entering.

Ayoola M'e

Kat-T

W E A K N E S S E S

A weakness is usually labelled as a disadvantage or a fault. It is naturally a bad thing. Who here would take anyone seriously if they were to have "Weaknesses for sale" sign or a "Buy one weakness and get another one for free" special offer.I don't remember being told to groom my weaknesses,ever. I was always taught to strengthen my strengths rather,for they build me up,you know make me a strong and better being.

L I E S.

There are a lot of ways to view weaknesses. They are multiple ways to approach them as well. Weaknesses are either obsessions for example chocolate, alcohol, music...these aren't bad things but they are things that can easily distract you from a clear end,you know, the diet,staying sober and concentrating on studies.Then there are well negative weaknesses, "anything in a dress", "words without meaning but that sound good",etc. These, these are a different story altogether. So how do we deal with these goodly and deadly weaknesses.

Number 1: If your weakness is a negative thing,something that breaks you apart and won't add value to your life, weaken it. I always tell myself to WEAKEN THE WEAKNESS. It's simple,detach yourself from the weakness,don't call it yours.Remove all connotations and simply deem it an item which has no power over you.When you don't give something your attention,it slowly but surely removes its hold over you.

My livelihood,my 365 days,my home Tholang Nkatho helped me come up with number two.
Thing is we both can't dance to save our lives. I don't even know how to follow the beat with body movements,how is that even possible? Is this a bad thing? No.. not at all
Number 2: EMBRACE YOUR WEAKNESS.There is nothing wrong with not being able to dance. Like Tholang says, "It makes me appreciate good dancing when I see it". What a way to look at it huh,you inability to do something gives you ability to give thanks to those who can.

Number 3: Nurture your weakness. Tholz and I are often told that we "we love too much". That's apparently a crime in our world. I get where people are coming from,when you love easily,you trust easily which means people can take advantage of you easily which means you are broken down easily. But I believe that God blessed me with a spirit of love,why not grow it.We love with meaning and respect,wholeheartedly and passionately. By doing all of this,we explore many levels of love and we nurture what's viewed as a weakness.It's an advantage that most people lack. The ability to see the good in every single being.It's beautiful.

She's my weakness.After being separated in grade 7,two provincess apart,to three phone swaps and numerous bbm pin changes. Her deactivating Facebook to phone calls and whatsapp chats. My love for her never died. Friendship turned to family.

Tholang 

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger",What doesn't edify to your existence needs to exit and what you see as a blessing deserves to be magnified.

Ayoola Mè
xoxo

Title

"A name that describes someone's position..."

Titles.

Who needs them? People that's who. They're something that's inserted in greetings and conversations. Mr,Mrs,Babe,Bro,Dude... they make people feel "safe".

Everybody often says go with flow and it's hip to not have strings attached but... come on safety is key.. you got to know where you stand... it's customery.

I'm a sucker for titles too don't get me wrong. I love knowing where I stand with people and believe that a title clarifies it all. I'm also guilty of giving titles as well. I have brothers and sisters,a blood sister,soulmate, white chocolates... the list is endless.

I'm a teddy bear and I love safety. So what if titles are cliché..  feelings and emotions override shallowness. Embrace the ones given to you and demand the ones that haven't been made clear.

L I V E

Love Ayoola Mé
 Xxx

L I F E

1. Life is defined as "1.

   the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death"

   
   

   For the past month and a half, my friend Sibu and I have been talking about life and living. We have been encouraging each other and advising each other on how to handle certain situations we come across. What I hadn't looked at when Sibu and I started this journey of "Life" is what life really is. Let's dissect the definition why don't we... *the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter. That means we breathe and grow and can do "stuff". That's funny because I'm often told that I've stopped growing. So does that mean I'm not alive anymore?  No it doesn't because a few days ago, Sibu introduced me to a method I have been finding difficult to grasp... [L E T T I N G G O]. He was on that " I was born without you so I can live without you" tip. All those toxic relationships that prevent you from being yourself, the friends that have you second guessing who you are and what you are capable of doing, those need to go. Those need to be pruned so that the rose within you can blossom without a doubt.

   The ability to reproduce is another life aspect. We don't have to make babies to be called reproducers. I remember one day Sibu and I studying for an English exam one day and we completely turned the novel inside out and read between the lines and scored one of our best English essay marks ever after doing so. We reproduced a different aspect altogether from the original DNA(book material) we were given.

   
   

   Life comes with another condition. We are meant to change in order to live fully. Comfort is a clear sign of danger. One should not settle down for too long. We are meant to explore man. Go out there and do things. I eat sulphur products,I use the, on my hair even. I was told I was allergic to it but those goods make my hair grow and I'm all about taking care of my crown of glory. I don't believe in allergies simply because I've changed my mindset towards certain things. Yes I admit that the first few weeks of sulphur using were horrible. My eyes would swell us and I'd be coughing up a storm but I kept at it and here I am... Happy. Change is good. Our minds and hearts need to go under many metamorphosis to prove that we didn't waste God's energy when He created us. We are meant to have flowers in Spring and Golden leave sin Autumn. We are meant to be cold winds in Winter and Hot sand in Summer.

   
   

   L I V E. Not as if it's your last day but as if you're the main actor of an award winning movie. Be the character of a book that nobody wants to put down. It's your life... Live it to the full

   
   

   Ayoola Me
   

   :

   • 
     

     
     

C O M P L E X I O N

Complexion is defined firstly as "the natural colour, texture, and appearance
of a person's skin, especially of the face."
I'm sure that's the first thing that comes to mind when asked what complexion is,I know I would answer that way.

Surprisingly the other definition of complexion is "the general aspect or character of something or someone"
Deep huh? To think that what we normally think automatically means skin tone is also another word for character, you know what makes a man, a man.

Humans are shallow creatures. One moment being light skinned is the in thing, then one day darker toned people are "what's hot". We live in a world where people won't judge you by what you say but rather by how look and how well you blend in with everybody else. That's the norm.

I remember hating the mirror when I was growing up. Yes I knew that my complexion was fiery and spontaneous but I was never bold enough to show it to the world.I believed that the the first complexion definition was what mattered. Photos were a terror and I always felt bad for not covering my face or running into the shade when the sun was a tad bit too bright.

Being yourself is beyond normal complexion[skin covering,inserted pigment] but is the never mentioned complexion itself[C H A R A C T E R].

Flourish. Be you tall,short,plus size, small size, light skinned, dark toned. One love right?

Let's show it.

Ayoola
xx

Why were you born Ayoola?

1996... August 14,
My mom could have been at work,
She could have been cooking
Or better just relaxing...
But no,
She was being told to push, breathe,
"It's okay,you're almost done,she's almost out"

Why were you born,
Tutsirayiishe Laura Mhere?

Was it to fulfil the future pastor-parents' dreams,
The then normal- parents' expectations,
To be the child they read about in the baby mags and "how to parent" books

Maybe for a while...

But 1996 August 14,
Tutsirayiishe Laura Mhere,
Who was later on called Claudia Ayoola,
Graced the earth with her presence.

The future Miss change the world,
Miss I can do all things,
Miss I'll cry now but won't dwell on the past for too long exited her mothers's chambers aided by ceserian cuts and today you all witness her great exploitations.

You were born with a purpose Yola,
Flourish in it

Dear World

Underachieving,
Over thinking,
Underestimate,
Over achieving...

Is it ever enough?

We're constantly involved in this battle of doing good,
Sticking to what's right,
You know there's a path laid before us... all we gotta do is follow through right?

But...
It's never enough,
For one moment we're below par and that's not acceptable
Or we're above it and that's now pride.

What do you want world?
You say average is mediocrity but from where I'm standing it's safe.

I won't live up to your expectations but I will at least try to do something
For I see the end-place you've destined for me but I like the greener pastures I read about better

So you might see me as an : *Underachiever
And begin to :*Underestimate me

But I'm telling you now that I am capable of : *Over thinking
Which keeps me alert,
Giving me strategies which will make me an : *Over achiever
 Just you wait and see.

Ayoola Mè

Her beauty has always been her weapon.

It's true.

She has always used her eyes to lure you in,

Immediately hypnotizing you,

Putting you under her spell.

She was stunning.

Her long legs grabbed attention as she made her way past many of us

And her stainless red painted lips made you lose focus.

She had an aura about her of pure elegance and nobody could deny it.

We could never hate her, 

Even if we tried.

She.. she .. she was just perfect and she knew it.

I remember the day I heard her speak for the first time.

The way her lips parted as they mouthed out words,

She shaped them in such ... in such a different way,

So exquisite ... I was mesmerized.

She was amazing.

She carried herself so gracefully in a mature but yet tasteful way.

Oh my.

I just... 

We just handed it to her.

The world and everything else she desired.

Her beauty was her weapon 

and we were all governed by it.

Ayoola Mè 

Mend me please

For someone special...I hope you like it.

Broken and scared,

Shattered and bruised,

Alone and afraid,

Need I say more?

You managed to awaken all the terrible feelings that are attached to heartbreak

All because you broke my heart.

I'm confused and dismayed,

Annoyed and I feel betrayed,

Heartbroken and in pain,

Just because I can never call you my own again.

You clouded my vision with ease,

Made me believe that forever could exist.

I gave you my all and in turn I was the fool.

How did I nots see that what you served me was a bowl full of lust.

But I'm okay now,don't you worry.

I'm a writer, 

We never die.

I'll turn my sorrows in a song,

You'll see.

Ayoola Mè 

She said...

I looked at her.

She tried to free herself from my gaze but I didn't allow that to happen.

This was the first time I actually looked at her and I was not going to let her go.

I critically analysed her.

I undressed her inner being with a thirst that only her insides could quench.

"Please can I go now",she said.

She could sense that I was curious

This made it clear that I was hitting home,

Well almost.

"Thing is... I've been through a lot and ... and I don't think... I think it's best if I leave", she said

But I couldn't let her go.

See I was the hunter and her scarred soul the prey.

I wanted to grip my teeth and be rid of her pain.

I would then be her doctor and nurse her to health

And then sign the discharge forms and set her free.

I looked at her.

The scales of her eyes were falling off and then I knew I was making progress.

Scarlet droplets of tears paraded on her cheeks and then I heard a loud whisper directed to me,

"Please help me",she said

With that ... I began helping her script the new story of her life.

Ayoola Mè 

How do you expect me to love being here when all you do is arouse my desire to leave?

I ... I can't take this anymore.

Ever since I can remember I've always looked for open doors.

I have always wanted to run away,

Packed my suitcase and all.

I knew this wasn't it... it just wasn't.

To think that many out there envy me breaks my heart.

'If only you knew', I think.

Picture perfect it might seem but it's a picture I would never hang on my wall.

See,

I've never experienced a quiet day.

It's either you're yelling or breaking my spirit down.

I hold in my laughter of sarcasm though every time you reprimand me and say "I've taught you things, use them" because I have had to adopt cultures from elsewhere for you were never here to install yours in me...

I DON'T KNOW YOU

And I'm not ashamed of saying it.

You don't know me either even though you like to think you do.

I am not you,

I could never be.

Maybe it's time you start accepting that.

I just want to walk out

And go somewhere.

Then maybe while I'm gone,

You'll learn to love the me that I actually am.

Ayoola Mè

Give me an audience...
 Just for a minute.
See what I have to say won't take long...
Short and sweet it will definitely hit home.

Some put their faith in chariots and many tangible material things...
Some think they're good enough to stand on their own two feet,giving themselves praises for all their accomplishments...

 But I only have one higher being I give praises & honor..
One Messiah whom I gladly bow down to & lift my hands in humble adoration.
See... I'm a born again spirit filled young world changing Christian.
 I am born of the flesh and raised by the Spirit.
My life is a wonder unto many because He who lives in me is the same yesterday,today and forever.

I may have been deemed unworthy in the eyes of the world but the fact that my name is written on the palm of His hands comforted me and because He knows the number of hairs on my head,I know I am special.

 Some may rely on positive thinking for good vibe creating
But I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength... I am catapulted from one level of glory to the next.
I have a holy ghost party no need to get drunk to turn up.

So if it wasn't made clear... let me tell you where I stand.
I am a Jesus Ambassador... the same Jesus that many people regard as normal.
I fly my Christian flag with pride and I nae nae to whatever my tongues bubble out as i soak  in prayer.

I am Ayoola Mé

The Genesis of it all

The beginning of it all,
The sentence said by one in the midst of roaring laughter,
The fire that brewed the eternal light we gladly roamed in
All started at the pool table one Friday night.

The story emerged as a few nods were made and greetings murmured.
We gave each other silent smiles and occasional hidden winks
Then finally birthed a friendship by hitting a few balls on a table.

Each page we scripted was filled with love and autographed with memories.
Pictures taken by a beautiful S4 and photo credit goes to an amazing snowman we all built.
We were frozen with duties and the lack of freedom
But the fun and laughter we shared were all worth melting for.

Revelations made it's way to us.
It reminded us that the end was near.
Cappuccino cups and creamed waffles  with a dash of red bull with black wings stained the pages in resistance.
But the end still crept in.

We had the last supper at 1 p.m
Said our prayers and parted ways.
Even though the characters are physically apart,
This is the genesis of an eternal fire that burns beautifully in each of us

Ayoola Mè

Allow me to introduce myself...

I am Tutsirayiishe Laura Mhere,
I also go by the name Ayoola.

I am birthed from George and Petronella Mhere...
Yet I am nothing like them.

I am writer.
I used to be a self proclaimed one,
I wasn't even sure that I want one
But now I know that I am one.

I am perculier in the sense of I never want to belong.
I have always been an outcast,
Never one to fit in...
In the midst of being a loner I found refuge in my words.

I always tell whoever is willing to hear that
I'm a winner.
I was born one,
With a champion's mentality.

So as you get to know me,
Expect nothing but the best.

I am Ayoola and I am all that is good.

Ayoola Mè

What actually is

Do you really know what you deserve?

Maybe I've stretched it a bit too far,
I'll start small.

Do you know what  you're worth?
See,
We've been fed truths which turn to bitter lies when analysed.

Come to a point in your life where you begin to see.. clearly.
Where you understand that living is complicated,
There's no method to it.
Each man runs by their own intuition
Therefore our living is not the same.

Once you wash your eyes and blink a little.
Once you go for a spectacle change,
Trade in your old ones for better ones,
You'll see that what always has been is not what actually is and what actually is,
Is what you never expected to be.

It's like asking is existing is living
Or if being adds to existing which is in turn living.
No one really knows what's right
But sad thing about humans is...

We think we know it all.

Ayoola Mè

[My] Ideal Date

It will start off by...

An envelope being placed on my table,
I'll open it.
It'll be a dinner invitation,
"Wear that little black number,no make-up please
 And if it's possible,I'd like to see your eyes sparkle"

The location and time follow after the set of instructions.

I'll [act] puzzled,
Excited,
Annoyed at the demands
But I'll fulfil them.

I'll arrive at the set destination,
All natural looking,
To the best of my abilities.
I'll be on time even.

Dinner's already waiting,
All my favourites will be spread out.
He will  know me too well.

He made sure that "Tumi and the Volume" are playing live
And The Muffinz and The Soil are on the line-up too.

Malva pudding and custard are brought out for dessert.
Another favourite of mine.

The night ends with a young walk under the stars,
Random things should make up the conversation.

Yes such will melt my heart.

A goodnight phone call followed by a cute text after will seal the deal.

One day right?

Ayoola Mè

Prior Owned... not used

Having being passed on from person to person,
I'm tired.
I had no say whatsoever in who bought me...
Or who got me.

I was always [used],
Just so she could fit in.
I was changed and fabricated,
Just so he could have his way.

I was broken and mended
And broken again...

But no one cared.

I felt used.

Until my real owner came.
He that held my better half.
Him that knew how to love a broken heart...
So perfectly well
Because he owned it.

He didn't see me as [used]
But prior owned ...
By the wrong person of course.

 And she loved him so.

Ayoola Mé

...That he's the one

Inspired by *blood sister


To think that I had let him go,
I had labelled him "A waste of time"
And put him in the "don't even look there" box.

The thought of him as "the one"
Was foreign.
Yes I liked him
And yes I'd envisioned a life with him
But don't we all act that way when we have crushes?

I never thought that  we belonged[to each other]
Or that it's his gravity that I'd want to fall in

But fate has a funny way of working things out.

My heart had to be broken for me to realise that only he could mend it.
He may not know it yet
But I know he can feel it...
I see it.

It feels right,
Knowing that he's the one after all

Ayoola M`e

I just don't see you that way

No...
Please.. don't ask me again.

I just don't see you that way.
You're a good friend,
Why do you want to ruin that?

I mean,
I'm greatly humbled by the fact that you plucked up the courage to...
You know,
Tell me how you feel.

But

No,
Don't do that.
Don't apologise please.
It's all me.

I've been blinded by the numbness of my emotions,
That I can't even see that you're good for me.
I don't want to have you,
I don't deserve you.

I just don't see you that way,
I'm sorry.

Ayoola Mè

Stupid Love

"I love you"...
I really did,
Or at least I thought I did.
I mean it felt like love...

Sometimes

You used to look at me with dreamy eyes
And have that smile when I walked into a room,
I even thought you lost your breath for a second

But then that stopped.

You started being all edgy,
you know... tense sort of.
You stopped calling,
I even had to beg you to talk to me.

You
     stopped
                saying
"I love you"

You told everyone it was stupid,
That you toyed with my mind,
"It's what boys do"

They make you feel like ...
Love is stupid.

Well done for being a boy then.

Ayoola Mè

My fellow "comrades"

My fellow comrades,
Allow me to speak *coughs*.

We are gathered here,
In order to... eh.. to..
To discuss the matter at hand.
Yes to discuss the matter at hand.
 *paces up and down*

See we have a problem.
Ehm... yes, a PROBLEM,
And weneedasolutionveryquickly...
Yes,
Very quickly.

The thing is right *stops for a moment, analyses audience*,
I trust you all.
Yes I do..
I-TRUST-YOU-ALL.

For we have fought the struggle together,
That's why.
We have slept in the trenches and ate the leftovers,
Together.

We're one basically,
For your story,
Is my story.

Fellow comrades,
This is why we're gathered here.
Because you know two heads are better than one,
See I need you guys..
To ehm..
To ehm..

"Find a solution sir"

Yes,
Tofindasolutionveryquickly.

*sits down and lights up a cigar*
So suggestions anyone?

Ayoola Mè

Under-dressed

For my Apple

Exactly the opposite is how I function.
Opposite of what's expected that is,
So technically...
In my world I'm proper.
But in yours,
I'm not.

Under-dressed for occasions I am always,
They tell me.
I somehow never get the clothing right.
I can't be kicked out of their reality though
But I'm never fully welcomed.

I've tried,
Believe me I have.
To fit into the depictions set within every invitation received,
To dress accordingly...
But I fail.

My definition of looking good is certainly not what they had in mind when they said dress to kill.
But what can they expect from someone called Apple?

I'm not meant to blend in.
I'm meant to "fruiten" things up.

So under-dressed I am in your eyes
But I'm perfect in mine.

Ayoola Mè

Life of a certain teenage kid

Being surrounded by the whose-who-in-the-zoo,

One tends to feel  like nothing.

Belittled by what the world has set as "acceptable" standards,

One looks at one[self] and thinks,

"Am I really meant to be?"

Constant comparing,

Living with worry,

"Will I ever be good enough?".

The struggle continues.

And for others,

It's a part of life.

Imprisoned by society,

Sentenced without a trial.

No lawyer even fought for you,

That's how it is for "outcasts",

If you aren't pretty enough or good enough,

You can never fit in.

Being surrounded by the who's-who-in-the-zoo

Life of a certain teenage kid. 

Kinkled truth

Her truth was kinkled...
By what she called [herself].
She...
Managed to demolish what her spirit had worked so hard to build up all because she,
Allowed [herself] to think that she's not worthy.

Worthy to be called beautiful,
To be admired by all,
To be the [it] girl,
She...
Deemed herself unworthy.

Her truth was kinkled,
By the vision she met every time she looked in the mirror.
She...
Kept up the mirage of "everything's okay",
But cried herself to sleep every night, hurt
For nobody cared...
Enough to notice she was dead.

[She] mocked [herself],
[She],
Believed that she could never be

And no one even noticed.

Ayoola Mè

Breathe with a difference

We're just breathing...

Or am I wrong?

I know that many of us call it living,

But do we really know what living is?

Dreaming, feeling, achieving..

All part of this merry-go round called life.

Is that all there is to it?

Is that living?

We've already fallen in this loophole,

This whirl wind  we call life.

This car ride we were thrown into,

Buckled up and child-locked in.

But take a minute and just...

Find your feet.

Pick out your favourite shoes and dance to your favourite tune.

Own this,

Allow your hair to flow freely in the wind.

I know we're just breathing...

But breathe with a difference.

Ayoola Mè

Being Beautiful

For Letukile Maduma.

Nothing but the best... simply because I am the best.

My life... the party that everyone will talk about but not everyone is invited to,

And beauty, something genetically induced in me,

I had no choice but to exhort it. 

I'm not one to let the world get  sneak peaks of who I am.

I believe in dazzling at the prime time.

What you eventually get to see, is who I really am.

Sassy, smart, heavenly ordained with a figure to die for.

I am not proud, I just know my worth...

And that will never change.

Nothing but the best... simply because I am the best.

Ayoola Mè 

What I can't have

Embrace me with a mere look my way... I'm not asking for much.
Honour me by passing past me so my being may bask in your shadow as you walk away.
Allow me to catch a glimpse of you from afar... you won't even know I'm there.

See,your presence is the present the creator gave to me but not in full... [are you listening?]
It's like I was a given a gift card for 399 rand an you're the item that I want but can't have because you cost 400.
It's like being told there's gold around but after continuous digging you find an empty treasure chest with a few coins instead.

I'm in love with the idea of you.
I mean your scent on its own is hypnotizing... your smile captivating...
 Your kiss... I will never know.

But...

I should consider myself lucky, privileged even.
Because beautiful people like you are rare in these parts of town...
And even if I can't have you... having you around is good enough.

Ayoola Mè

Why I do this

I love blank pages… my pen does too.

It’s pregnant with words and awaits for labour pains as I take my time to uncap it and begin the birth process.

My hand is the matron and my mind the doctor.

First print, the contractions are hard but excitement is brewing… I can’t control it.

Next thing you know more sentences are appearing… The baby is almost out.

My words tell a story no man understands but that’s the point.

I don’t need sympathy, no not at all. I just need space to allow growth to take place.. growth only I am in charge of and before you know it the baby is born.

My heart poured on paper… blank page no more.

I am a writer.

I write, I mean that’s what I do.

I think about writing [most] of the time… I think of different words I can group together and imagine how good they’d look on paper.

I can claim that I am shy but no one believes me so I play the part of loud chiq whi has something to say all the time…[just like they want me to]

But it’s okay… because it’s only when I hold a pen in my hand that I tell truths…

Dishing out words because that’s the only way I can be [real].

I love blank pages.

Ayoola Mè

Lonely Nights

Clock Strikes 00:00 and here I am roaming around in the kitchen… as usual.

Binge eating… Though I’m calling it “catching up”; It sounds better.

Combing my insomnia with my desire to satisfy my stomach,

I come up with new recipes every night, making snide comments like “Nigella’s got nothing on me” just so I won’t feel guilty for indulging when no one’s looking.

01:00… stomach starts growling again.

"No", I whisper.. sternly though.

"I’m big enough as it is already" 

I look at my phone, expecting some sort of miracle though I haven’t prayed for it to occur.

It sucks I have to admit, staying ip by myself…

I’d become [over]dependent on you… the thought of it now is intoxicating but I trust[ed] you so it was normal…

I mean you promise[d] you’d stay… but

03:30..

Stars are starting to disappear…

Mum’s switching on the geyser.. and me??

I’m still awake… going over “all things good” I’ve experinced, trying hard to erase the ones that include you 

Commiting murder while I’m at it for I’m stabbing your image.. your smile especially

Destroying your voice and that laugh you had everytime I told you I loved you.

Piercing that warm feeling that occurs as I remember how gawdly it felt when you moustach tickled me the night we kissed.

Insomnia sucks

05:20… as I make my way to the shower.

This is normal right?

People don’t sleep…People don’t cry even when they are hurting…

People [over] eat…

People think…

People remember [everything]

And as I leave the house I dread the coming of the night… for I know when it does. 

My bruises are awakened again

#Ayoola